Tips For Families

Let’s say it right at the start: the au pair program isn't for everyone. If you don't want to open up your house to a young adult and treat them as part of your family, then think about this type of child care again as a live-out child minder is probably a better option for your family. Many families believes that having an au pair is a worthwhile childcare solution. Living as part of your family, the au pair knows the pattern of the day and the week, he/she knows what role to play when you are there and when you are not there. Children cared by au pairs learn to be more tolerant and opened to other cultures, languages, types of cuisine and different types of personalities.

People often ask how do we deal with having a ‘stranger’ in our home? It is true, that privacy is sometimes compromised but if both parties, the family and the au pair respect personal space, the many advantages outweigh any inconveniences. If you clearly explain your expectations and the ‘rules of the house’ during your communication with a potential candidate and then again at the start of your au pair’s stay, then you are laying foundations to a successful relationship.

What is an au pair?

Au pairs can be of male or female gender. The majority of au pairs are female however if you have a few active young sons, a male au pair may be a suitable choice to keep them active and motivated. 

As per Wikipedia: “The title comes from the French term au pair, meaning "on a par" or "equal to", indicating that the relationship is intended to be one of equals: the au pair is intended to become a member of the family, albeit a temporary one, rather than a domestic servant. In the best circumstances, both parties benefit from learning about the other's culture and will remain on good terms long after the au pair has left the family.”

An Au pair is also an extra pair of hands available to help your family with childcare and light housekeeping. The amount of hours varies in different countries (generally between 25 hours and 40 hours).

You should think about them as an extended member of your family; a big sister or brother to your children.

The au pairs should be given plenty of time to attend languages lessons, meet with friends, and take trips to get to know your area, country.

What an au pair is not!

Au pairs are not your employees; they are not your servants. They are not your replacement; your children still need loving and caring parents! Au pairs are not solely responsible for the care of your children. They are also not responsible for heavy housekeeping and they should not be the sole keepers of your house. If you need someone to wash your windows, scrub your floors or cut your grass, then dedicate that to someone else but not to your au pair.

3 important elements to consider:
communication, privacy and control

Each family is unique has special communication style, special needs for privacy and level of control.

Communication:

It is crucial to communicate clearly and in a very straightforward way with your au pair. This particularly applies if English is not their first language. You can read how important this is in our blog entry called my au pair duties and excuses… . 

Privacy:

You should have sufficient space to accommodate and host your au pair. An au pair must have her/his own room. Think about their room as their private sanctuary. Everyone should knock before entering the room. Chi ldren should understand that they should not freely enter their room whether the au pair is there or not. The au pair should make every effort to keep their room tidy.

On the other hand, you and your family also need their personal space and privacy. Be clear right from the start if your family has ‘special house rules’ e.g. the host father control’s TV programmes on the main family TV after 8pm; each family member has their place at a table.

Control:

Some families have very strict rules and need for control. In such circumstances, make sure you specify right at the start of the au pair stay what’s out of bounds e.g. no smoking in the house, no friends staying overnight. If you are more laid back and fail to let your au pair know at the beginning of her stay what’s expected of them then don‘t be surprised if things go a little lax and of course it is a bit harder to ‘pull back’ some of the control then.

Having an extra adult in the house takes some getting used to, so try as hard as you can and let the au pair know that the harder they try, the harder you will try too.

2 Great Rules That Will Make Your Family A Successful Au Pair Host Family

1. All of you should work as hard as possible to make it work. This includes your partner, your children and the au pair of course.

2. Deal with things as they arise. Speak about what’s bothering you, don’t bottle it up!

Finding An Au Pair

It's all about getting the right fit for your family. There’s a lid for every pot. As you are thinking about finding the best match for your family, consider what is important and discuss as a couple or as a family. Look through the Au Pair Profiles to see what information you can find easily on each form (gender, age, region of preference, religion, driving experience, interests, personality…). Develop you own list of additional questions. Give more thought to what type of personality will best fit your family. Are you looking for someone flexible or determined, someone quiet or outgoing, someone serious or more playful, polite or outspoken or something in the ‘middle’?

Read through all the au pair profiles carefully. The applications are revealing only on elementary level and even if you are asking for written references, consider that they are only somewhat useful.

The best way to get to know the person a little more is through real-time chatting through our website or by taking to them via Skype, ICQ or over the phone. Especially on a second or third call/chat, you can ask some ‘though questions’ that may help you to learn much about the au pair. Questions such as: “Imagine that you have made plans for the evening but I call you and tell you that I am delayed by a meeting and my husband is stuck in traffic. You will have to stay at home with the children this evening. How do you feel?” or “How do you feel about being home by 11pm on weeknights, when you will be working the following morning?”

Trust your instincts with your impressions. I f not sure, get a second opinion from someone that knows you and your family. Often another person may notice information provided in an application that you may have overlooked. Make the best decision you can with all the information and instinct you have. Do not hesitate to reject an application. Remember, an au pair will be part of your family for several months and you want the best experience for your family and them too. If you are feeling comfortable with the candidate, you may want to ask if the au pair’s parents would like to talk with you (if you can speak the same language as them). That may help to establish stronger relationship and commitment from all parties involved. Don’t forget that you au pairs have parents that may be as anxious about letting them go as you are about letting them to be part of your family life.

Your Family Profile

To find the best fit also depends on how well you fill in your profile on www.myaupairbook.com and what additional information you will share with your potential candidates.

Describe yourselves, your children, the general household schedule, activities and goals for the children, expectations in hosting an au pair, share pictures of your family. Tell them about your community, your town/city, about language schools, public transport etc. If the au pair asks you for references, you should provide them with recommendation letters from you responsible friend, neighbor, employer or your previous au pair.

Preparing For Your Au Pair’s Arrival

Let your children, friends, relatives and teachers know that you are expecting the arrival of a new au pair. Think about whether you will want the au pair to go on holidays with you, see when she would like to go home (for Christmas, someone’s birthday party etc.).

If it is your first time hosting an au pair, you should certainly prepare your children for the arrival of your new au pair. Be quite specific about who is arriving. Hopefully they had a chance to speak over the phone are see each other on a webcam. Involve the children in conversations about where the au pair is from, find it on the map.

If you require your au pair to drive, then prepare carefully. You should write up a ‘car policy’ and organise maps, driving directions beforehand. Some au pairs may require driving lessons after their arrival.

Watch out for any opportunities for adult education, language courses, meeting of you people in your community. Collect leaflets and save tips for helpful websites for them. It is also good to have a map of the local area/city and bus/train time table ready.

Keep in touch with the au pair and answer any of their questions about what to bring. Let her/him know what the weather is like and what to expect during the period she/he will be staying with you.

Have her/his room clean and ready for arrival. If you have au pairs overlapping, then the ‘old au pair’ should be prepared to vacate and clean the bedroom prior to the ‘new au pair’ arriving. Your existing au pair should understand this and the new au pair will certainly appreciate to be able to settle into their room upon arrival.

If your ‘old au pair’ has some habits that you don’t want your ‘new au pair’ to have, then an ‘overlap’ may not be a good idea as you may be better to start afresh.

Put together document explaining everything the au pair will need to know and do while staying with you. Let’s call it ‘The Handbook’.

It should include contacts, emergency numbers, top priorities for the au pair in family, what’s important with regard to the your individual children (showing affection, physical contact, discipline, do’s and don’ts, school dress, afterschool activities, homework), house matters (keep things tidy as you go along, house cash, meals, appliances, phone usage), driving car rules, personal rules (keep the family informed, about free evenings/weekends, her/his room, payday, alcohol/cigarettes/drugs, vacation time, visitors). There are several comprehensive ‘manuals’ on the WEB. I personally like a blog called AuPairMom.com and there you can find a free Handbook (http://aupairmom.com/au-pair-guidelines/sample-handbook-2-from-cc-family/)

When Your New Au Pair Arrives

Try to meet your au pair upon her/his arrival at the nearest airport, rail or bus station. They will appreciate it as they often have heavy bags and will be happy to get some help with them.

Everyone in the family will have to adjust to having a new person in your home. Get the children involved in the preparation. Some families arrange for their children to make a welcome banner for our new au pairs. As a nice touch, place some chocolate on the au pairs pillow when she/he arrives. They are usually tired after a long journey. Allow them to contact her/his parents and suggest that this first call is at your expense. Encourage them to get a good rest after sharing a meal with them and unpacking.

In the first few days, stay close to your home to observe and assist your new au pair. This is the best way to be sure things get off to a good start. You should set aside some time in the first few days to talk, go through ‘The Handbook’, and see how they are getting on. The best way is to do this informally over a cup of coffee or hot chocolate. Then you may want to do sort of a weekly ‘review’ to make sure all is going well for all parties. Try to establish a casual and open feeling of rapport. Speak slowly and clearly.

If something does not go according to your expectations, remember the 2 great rules that should help you to troubleshoot and resolve common issues and problems:

1. All of you (including your children, spouse and the au pair of course) should work as hard as possible to make it work.
2. Deal with things as they arise. Speak about what’s bothering you, don’t bottle it up!

When It Cannot Be Fixed

If it happens that the chemistry between the family and the au pair is not there, then it may be best to end an unhappy or unsatisfactory arrangement. Sometimes au pairs leave because they are homesick or because the au pairing experience is not what they thought it was going to be. Sometimes they miss their boyfriends/girlfriends; sometimes they want a family with more or less children or in a different location. Let’s hope that if you ever have to consider parting with an au pair earlier than expected, that you will both part on good terms and both of you will be able to find a suitable match through our services again. Remember, there is a lid for every pot!

If you have more questions, then participate in our forum or e-mail info@myaupairbook.com